We survived

We got through Christmas and it actually wasn't horrible.  It felt like an endless 12 hour cycle of seeing family, opening presents and eating.  I guess that is what the holidays are all about!  The kids were completely overwhelmed and over stimulated by the end of the day and Granny and Mommy were in bed before 9 p.m.

Even amongst the craziness, I still managed to wish Chris into our day.  I suppose because I'm female, I never quite understood the big deal about trains.  I used to tease Chris when, while eating at our favorite outdoor restaurant, he would act like a little boy upon seeing a train pass.  Without fail, he would yell, "Train!  Train!"  He would have loved every minute of laying on the floor with Ian driving his new Thomas trains around.   

The hardest thing for me to imagine is how Chris would have been with Claire on Christmas.  Every day, I wonder what kind of dad he would have been like to a daughter.  I think I was safe in picturing him pushing her doll around in her new stroller and telling her how pretty she looked in her jewelry box mirror.  But I just don't know...

Thanks for the calls and emails letting me know you were thinking about me.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

This is us without you, Chris.  Merry Christmas, honey.

An Overdue Update

Ok, ok...I get the message!  Four people told me this week that I needed to update my blog.  I'm sorry I've been so out of touch lately.  I can't believe that I haven't written since before Halloween.  It is amazing how fast time flies...even when you aren't having fun.

In a nutshell, the last two months have been busy and exhausting.  Here is an update of what has been happening:

Ian

Ian is so much fun to be around these days (well, most days).  He can sing several songs including Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Jingle Bells.  I am quickly told, "No sing, mommy" if I try to sing along (just one of the many orders he issues to me daily).  He is currently obsessed with all things Thomas or anything resembling a train.  He likes to create trains out of legos, remote controls, slippers, etc.  He also loves Santa--the idea of him and the actual dude himself.  He has seen him three times now and sat on his lap twice.  The last time was when Santa rolled into Edison Park on the train.  Santa + train = 1 ridiculously happy little boy.

He might be graduating to a big boy bed soon as he climbed out of his crib last week.  He landed smoothly but it made me sufficiently nervous to consider a new set up for bed time.  He is also using the potty occasionally.  He started out with a bang a few months ago but quickly lost interest.  One of the goals for 2010 is to spend more time on potty training.

The littlest things make Ian happy.  Anything that he likes is at risk of being showered with numerous kisses.  Besides the obvious targets of Mommy, Claire, and Tante, he has bestowed many a kiss on the cat, his trains, the Christmas tree, the KitchenAid mixer, several books and his Little People farmer.  His new favorite phrase is, "Sliking (insert adored object here)."  For those who don't speak toddlerish, that means, "I like...."  Last week, we visited the Evanston Library where Chris used to work.  When I told Ian we were going to see Daddy's friends, he smiled and said, "Sliking daddy....much."  My sweet boy.

Claire

Claire is becoming a force to be reckoned with (heads up, Ian!).  She no longer stands idly by while Ian takes toys from her.  Shrieking and swatting are her most effective strategies.  She loves electronics and a lot of time is spent pulling her away from lure of the entertainment center.  She claps her hands, can do "so big", gives five, waves hello and goodbye, points at everything, and has taken a few steps.  She enjoys books, pretending to talk on the phone and her new baby doll.  It is hard to believe she will be 1 years old in two weeks.  She is already growing up too fast.

Mommy

I'm not going to lie.  Besides being busy and exhausted, I've definitely had some tough days recently.  This has made it hard to be motivated to write anything at the end of the day.  My pillow is usually calling out to me by 8:30 p.m.  I have also spent a lot of time planning a memorial concert for Chris (more on that below).

The first snowfall really took me back to last year when our nightmare began to unfold.  I'm reminded of all the trips back and forth to the hospital, neighbors coming to shovel our sidewalks, being shuttled around everywhere since no one would allow me to drive, crying until my eyes were unrecognizable and not being able to sleep for days.  The extra hours of darkness and cold weather add to the sadness.  And then there is the fact that it is the holiday season. Fa la la la la la la la la...

 

I'm doing the best I can for right now and am trying to cut myself some slack.  I'm taking advantage of any extra time and childcare I have to sleep or doing something else for myself.  I did take a birthday trip to a spa in November.  It was a nice respite from life for 48 hours.

You may have been wondering but haven't wanted to ask how Weight Watchers has been going for me.  It was going great for quite awhile and then I kind of derailed.  I haven't lost nearly the amount of weight I originally wanted to by now.  But, I still weigh less than I did when I started and that is the point!  I am continuing to go to meetings even if the results aren't always good.  I just have to concentrate on making this part of my life going forward.

Finally, I was asked to be a guest writer again for the Widow's Voice blog.  My latest entry was posted today if you want to check it out.

Memorial Concert

In case you haven't heard, the St. Paul of the Cross choir will be performing a concert of holiday and sacred music to honor Chris's memory.  I will sing a couple of solos.  Chris's friends and I have put together a beautiful program and I am looking forward to the event.  It has taken a lot out of me though.  I of course want the afternoon to be perfect so I have been working overtime to make sure every detail is correct.

The concert will take place on Sunday, January 10th at 3:30 p.m. in the church.  Tickets are $10 each and all proceeds will benefit the American Brain Tumor Association.  You can reserve tickets by emailing memorialconcert@sbcglobal.net or you can buy tickets at the St. Paul of the Cross rectory during the week.  Please join us!

Pictures

Here is a link to some pictures of the kids.  Some of them are a few months old but cute just the same.  Enjoy!

I think that brings us up to date now.  Obviously, the next few weeks will be challenging for us.  December 21, 2008 was the last day of my old life.  I'll be very cognizant of that as I go through my day tomorrow.

As we enter the height of the holidays, I pray that you are blessed with many beautiful memories this year.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss and slike you...much.

Widow's Voice

While looking for grief related websites a few months ago, I discovered a blog called Widow's Voice.  It is written by seven different widows (actually, it includes one widower).  The writers are each responsible for updating the blog on one day of the week so there is a Monday writer, a Tuesday writer, etc.  I like this format because I hear a different perspective daily.  Yet I relate to all the posts.

A few weeks ago, I contacted the woman who runs the blog and expressed interest in writing for it if there was ever a need.  She let me know that all of their regular writing spots were filled but she would keep me in mind as a substitute writer.  This week, she contacted me to ask if I could substitute for the Saturday writer as she was going out of town.  I accepted the invitation and you can read my post at http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/.

I appreciate this opportunity as I enjoy writing quite a bit.  I am also pleased to know that other widows out there might connect with my experiences.  As I have learned over the past nine months, no one wants to become a member of this community but once you are in it, so much is to be gained from hearing from one another.

Dada

Thanks to the Diez's, we have a large map of the world in our play room. Ian enjoys looking at it and pointing to the different countries, animals, etc. For Antarctica, there is a picture of three penguins--two big ones and one little one. Today, Ian pointed to the penguin family and said, "Penguins!  Baby, mommy, mommy." Then he said, "Baby, two mommies!" Ugh...stab to the heart. He doesn't realize that most families consist of a mommy AND a daddy. He doesn't understand that when I talk about "daddy" that he is actually a precious piece of our family unit that is missing. To Ian, he is almost like a character in a book like Elmo or Pinocchio. He is excited to see Chris's picture but "daddy" is just an abstract idea to him. I know this is a result of his developmental stage but it still hurts.

Claire rarely hears the word "daddy" but she has been saying "mama" for a couple of months. Last week, she started saying "dada" and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn't from the joy that most parents feel when their babies say that word for the first time. It was more like a mixed bag of emotions. First, a sense of awe that she was able to learn the word even with her limited exposure to it and second, a nagging sense of sadness that she'll never get to know the man that embodies that word.

I can hear some of you saying, "They will get to know Chris through your stories and memories." I know, I know. But it isn't the same. It isn't the same as them experiencing a hug from him or garnering a smile from him when one of them has made him proud. It just isn't the same, plain and simple.

Maybe I'm wallowing in some self-pity this week because the 9 month anniversary of Chris's death was on Wednesday. I could have had a baby in that time. Instead, I gave birth to a whole new life that I didn't ask for. And now I'm dealing with the sleepless nights and emotional highs and lows of this new "baby" of mine...grief. It isn't as cute or cuddly as a newborn and yet I still have to care for it 24 hours a day. 

I'm tired! I look forward to the time that my grief baby feels like less of a constant drain and more like a silent companion. I know I can't rush the process but I will relish the day when hearing the word "dada" brings a smile to my face.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss you, daddy.

The "Husband" Jobs

Fixing the clogged toilet...

  Mowing the lawn...

     Moving heavy objects....

        Figuring out how all the remotes work...

           Bringing the trash cans to the curb the night before trash day...

The last one gets me every time.  Actually, I have a confession to make.  Since Chris died, I have only had to bring the trash cans to the curb three times...and I forgot to do it twice.  Uncle Harold is usually here helping to put the kids to bed on Tuesday nights so he or whoever else is around do trash can duty.  But since our nanny started, no one else comes by on Tuesdays and therefore no one thinks of the trash. Or more specifically, I don't think of it.  Luckily, I caught the garbage men in enough time today so I wasn't stuck with a weeks worth of trash until next Wednesday.

I hope I get more used to the idea of doing the "husband" jobs before it snows or we'll need skis to leave our house.

"You've Really Got Your Hands Full!"

This is what other moms say to me when they first meet me and the kids, especially when they find out that Ian is two and Claire is eight months old. Usually, my first thought is to respond with, "Thanks for stating the obvious" followed quickly by, "You don't know the half of it." Of course, I just say, "Yep, it's busy." Imagine me shocking some poor unsuspecting mother by announcing that my husband is also dead. That's a sure fire way to make friends. Anyway, I got this reaction for the umpteenth time today at the park and I think it was foreshadowing of how the rest of my day was going to go.

Knowing that I was going to handle bedtime all by myself tonight (a rare occurrence), I probably over stayed our welcome at the park. Upon finally loading the kids into the car to leave, I did what any mom who is feeling tired and lazy would do. I suggested we pick up McDonald's for dinner. Ian was not surprisingly quick to say, "yesshh" to this idea so off we went. 

At the drive thru, I ordered a happy meal with chicken nuggets, apples and white milk. The person taking my order was careful to find out if the happy meal was for a girl or a boy so the right toy could be included. No sooner did we get our order and pull out of the parking lot than Claire started to cry. Not just any ordinary cry but big time, over the top wailing. She clearly did not appreciate the fine dining we had in mind. She screamed for what seemed like an hour but in reality was merely a ten minute ride home. After awhile, Ian also started sobbing and whining, "Baby!  No cry!" By the time we pulled into our driveway, both kids were in hysterics and I was cursing under my breath about how I possibly could have thought going to McDonald's was a good idea.

I lugged both screaming kids into the house and threw dinner on the coffee table. Claire was on my lap finally settling down and Ian stood by the couch sobbing. He didn't want to get on the couch unless I put "baby" on the "foor". That clearly wasn't an option so he just continued to scream. Finally, I said, "Let's look at your toy from McDonald's!" I opened the bag and what do you know? No toy!  After I was specifically asked if I needed a boy or a girl toy! To try to do damage control, I quickly suggested going into the kitchen to eat the nuggets. I stuck Claire in the highchair prompting a new round of screaming and waited for Ian to follow. No Ian. Still crying by the couch. I finally picked him up and plopped him in his chair at the table, opened the McDonald's bag again and pulled out his...cheeseburger?!?!?! AAAAHHHH!!! Are the fast food gods conspiring against me?! That McDonald's is darn lucky I was too exhausted tonight to look up their number, call them and give them a piece of my mind.

Just when I thought dinner couldn't get any less nutritional than chicken nuggets, Ian's final meal consisted of five cookies and Claire's included about twenty Gerber cheetos and three spoonfuls of baby food.  Guess who ate the cheeseburger?  Yum yum! Somehow I managed to put both of them to bed pretty close to their normal bedtimes and without enduring any further crying (at least by them).  

Tonight, as I sit at my computer after getting the kids to bed, I can whole heartedly agree that I have my hands full. Yet, I wouldn't want it any other way. And neither would Chris. We wanted our kids to be close in age and we also knew we were working against a ticking biological clock. Of course, neither of us banked on him not being here and only having one set of hands to fill up. But since he isn't here, I have to enjoy them for the both of us and I do.  I really do.

This is us without you, Chris. We still miss you.

P.S.  As the above story is just one example of our daily lives, I decided to hire a nanny one day per week. Marta is a wonderful woman from Poland who has a lot of child care experience. She is at my house for the entire day on Tuesdays so I can run errands, meet friends for lunch, get my haircut, etc. She started a few weeks ago and we all love her. I just hope she feels the same way as we do because she is definitely helping me stay sane!

It Should Have Been Chris

For a long time after Chris died, any time my sister asked me if I was alright, I responded with, "Chris is still dead." And she quietly would reply with, "I know." Honestly, what else could either of us say?  8 months later, I still feel like I could have that conversation every day and maybe I should. Maybe if I hear myself say it that often, I'll really start to believe it.

All around me, the signs point to the obvious fact that he is gone. The choir season at St. Paul's has begun with a new director. The first rehearsal has been held and the first mass has been sung. Sunday, I did the same thing I've done for the past nine years. I showed up at church to sing that first mass of the season but this time, Chris wasn't conducting. 

Our new director is very experienced and capable. He did a good job and the choir sounded beautiful. But the experience was undoubtedly surreal for me. On one hand, I profoundly felt Chris's absence. And on the other hand, I felt like he wasn't absent at all. If I tried hard enough, I could see him leaning against the choir loft rail next to the organ with his arms crossed, nodding encouragingly to all of us and giving me one of his knowing looks. And when I peered into the congregation and saw Ian, dressed like a mini Chris, watching the choir in rapt awe and swaying to the music, I knew at least a piece of him was there. But still, it should have been Chris in that loft.

All diehard Bears fans know that this weekend was the first regular season game against the Packers. Tante prepped Ian all week long for the game by making sure he understood that we DON'T like the Packers and that we DO like the Bears. He practiced saying, "Go Bears" and, "Touchdown" (complete with arm gestures) over and over again so he'd be ready for last night's game. He and Claire both had their Bears gear on and watched some of the action. Chris would have gotten such a kick out of this. He couldn't wait to share his love of the Bears with them. And while I thank my lucky stars for Tante every day, it should have been Chris on that couch.

This is us without you, Chris. We shouldn't have to miss you.

P.S.  Did you know that it is not unusual for wasps to build nests at grave sites? Neither did I until I tried to visit the cemetery yesterday and was greeted by a swarm of the pesky buggers pouring out of a hole at the corner of Chris's headstone. Apparently, this happens often enough that the cemetery has a regular service to handle these situations. I shouldn't have to fight off an army of stinging insects to visit my husband!

My Shell Sings

I sang a wedding yesterday...first one since Chris died.  I sang four masses today...first time I've cantored all the Sunday masses since he has been gone. To put it more accurately, the shell of me sang all weekend long.

I love weddings and I used to really love singing them. Years before I got married, I would silently take notes at the ceremonies I sang at in preparation for my own big day. I would admire the dress, inspect the programs, listen intently to the readings, check out the flowers, etc., etc., etc. After Chris and I got engaged, singing weddings became an integral part of my own planning. I studied everything so that I knew what I did and did not want to do.

Likewise, I used to garner a lot of satisfaction from cantoring even when I had to do several masses in one day. It was rewarding to feel like I was encouraging people to participate more fully in the service or that I might be ministering to someone in a unique way through music. And I think in my 20 years of serving as a cantor (wow, I'm old), I've become pretty good at it. 

But this weekend, it felt like I really wasn't the one who was singing. It felt like a shell of my former self was doing the work for me. Someone who looked like me and sounded like me showed up and did the job. My new self quietly sat by, numb and distracted throughout the whole process. 

There was no mental critiquing of the bridesmaids dresses, no reminiscing about my day when the bride and groom said their vows, no getting up to watch the happy couple walk down the aisle at the end of the service. Singing "Alleluia" at four masses felt forced and phony.  Making eye contact with and smiling to the congregation was a chore. 

This new self of mine recognized this weekend for about the 100th time that things will never be the same again. I will never be the same. And even if I continue to do the same things I did before Chris died, they will be done differently. I just pray that some day it will be more than just my shell that sings again.

This is us without you, Chris. Today, my old and new self missed you.

What lurks in the basement...

Some of you know that I have had major issues with flooding in my basement for the past two years. We have had 6 inches of water from heavy rains at least four different times since Ian was born (including the day Chris was released from the ICU). I finally decided I had enough after the last time and my brother-in-law, Thomas, got a plumber he knows out to check the place over and come up with a solution. It was determined that an injection pit and pump would be installed, the current pipes would be abandoned and things would be rerouted to a different exit out of the basement. It is all too technical for me but that is the way I understand it.

Before this work can be done, a contractor had to bust up a certain area of the cement floor to make way for the pump. The contractor removed the cement when the job was done but there is still is a small mountain of clay and dirt residing in the basement until the plumber can do the work.  Still waiting to hear when that will be...

Anyway, a few days ago, Vickie and I both noticed a quite unpleasant smell in the house. Could it be coming from the pile of previously mentioned clay and dirt, I thought? Or, could it be emanating from the cracked plaster on the dining room ceiling that occurred after my bathroom toilet leaked two months ago (yep, still haven't gotten that fixed), Vickie asked? Foolishly hoping the offending odor would just disappear, I didn't do much to find the source.  BIG MISTAKE!

Vickie is sleeping over at the house tonight because Ian has a fever and is not sleeping well (a whole other story). She had a taste for a chocolate ice cream treat which she thought could be found in my downstairs freezer. Imagine her shock and horror when she opened the freezer to find everything thawed and a rancid smell that almost knocked her unconscious. Imagine my disgust when this very same smell wafted upstairs and infiltrated every single room in the house within seconds.  Apparently, the freezer was unplugged at some point and none of us realized it. I shudder to think how long it sat there in that condition.

Vickie and I, armed with room deodorizer and dish towels fashioned into face masks, went into the war zone and did battle with the contents of the freezer.  I am happy to report that it is thoroughly emptied, all thawed food has been thrown out (I apologize now to the garbage men), the freezer has been bleached and candles/room deodorizer have been working their magic. Not exactly sure if either of us will be able to eat any type of meat again but we can sleep easier tonight knowing that smell should be gone in about a month or so!

High Five

Feeling kind of proud of myself today.  This is my third week of Weight Watchers and I have lost my first 5 pounds!  Granted, I have a long way to go before reaching my ideal weight but that first 5 pounds feels awesome.

I think when most people ask me how I am, they are thinking about my emotional state not necessarily my physical state.  But when I think about what my poor body has been through in the last year, I'm amazed that it works as well as it does.  Here is what the old gal has endured in the last 12 months:

• Packed on 25 pounds while pregnant
  
• Gave birth via c-section
  
• Shed pregnancy 25 pounds almost immediately (planning your husband's funeral with a newborn and a 17 month old will do that for you)
  
• Nursed a baby
• Gained 20 pounds since Chris's death (chocolate peanut butter cups by the handful will do that for you)

And now I'm sending my body into another tailspin by trying to eat healthy (what a shock to the system!) and lose weight permanently.  Phew...I hope this is one change that will be warmly welcomed by the bod!

Potty Animal

Well, it has happened. Ian has officially used the potty! And can you believe that I'm actually writing about it? I have become one of those mothers who is bent on embarrassing her child.

This happened completely by accident and I have to admit that I'm not overly excited about it. I honestly don't know if I am mentally prepared to be on Potty Patrol all day long. I mean, he is only two so I am perfectly content to wait until he decides he is ready (did I already mention my ambivalence on this topic?).  

Up until now, he hasn't really had any desire to go to the bathroom on the potty. Don't get me wrong. He is fascinated by the toilet, the flusher, the toilet paper, the water in the bowl (yes, he had to touch it), the Sesame Street potty seat, etc. He has even sat on the potty a couple of times with a big grin on his face. Yesterday, Tante (by her own choice I might mention) had the distinct pleasure of guiding Ian through his first potty adventure. It didn't quite go as planned. I won't go into detail but let's just say she probably won't be volunteering to help him poop on the potty in the near future.  

Today was a new day however and he peed in the potty twice!  This earned him lots of high fives, tons of praise and seven cookies. He loves these alphabet cookies from Trader Joe's and we just happened to need seven of them to spell out a congratulatory message. Once documented for posterity sake, said cookies were quickly devoured by the little Potty Animal.

I know potty training may very well be a long process with lots of stops and starts along the way...not unlike the process of grieving I suppose. Add this analogy to the long list of things I never expected would one day apply to me.  If only I could look forward to high fives and alphabet cookies at the end of the road!

1^st Annual Chris Diez Memorial Picnic

  

Saturday, August 8, 2009

 

11:00 am – 6:00 pm

Northwest Park in Park Ridge

Northwest Hwy & Glenview Ave, adjacent to Franklin School

Picnic area is near a large group of trees,

toward the school building

 

Softball, Volleyball, Water Balloon Toss and more!

 

 Grills are provided

Bring your meat to grill, your beverages and a dish to share

 

6:00 pm – 8:00 pm

We have also rented Hinkley Pool for our group

Busse Hwy & Morris in Park Ridge

 

 

If desired, donations will be accepted for the American Brain Tumor Association (www.abta.org) on behalf of Chris

MINE!!

This is officially my new least favorite word.  Ian must say it and other forms of it (NO MINE, my, me, etc.) 150 times a day.  Much to the chagrin of his mortified mother, he proudly yelled it at several kids at story time today.  The only good thing about this development is that he says, "My baby," when people come near Claire.  Guess that means he'll always have her back.

Thankfully, Claire doesn't speak a word yet.

Two years ago

Two years ago tonight, Chris and I were soaking in our newborn son, Ian Matthew.  He was born via c-section after a looooong day of not much dilating and a few scares with a dropped heart rate.  He weighed 7 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21 inches long.  He had a serious furrow of the brow and big brown eyes and he was perfect.

I look back on video we took of the first few weeks of Ian's life and Chris looks so happy.  He is tan and fit and so alive looking.  How maddening it is to me that he wasn't here today to take Ian to the fire station for a visit or play in the park.  Father and son deserved those precious moments together.  They deserved to share so many more moments over their lifetimes.

Mommy did the best she could to make today's birthday a good one.  Ian was treated like a little prince (even while whining, "MINE" numerous times throughout the day...yes TWO has definitely arrived!).  Thanks to Papa and Busia for arranging the visit to the fire station and to Tante for spending the day with us.  We made the best of it.  Happy Birthday, Mr. Man.

This is us without you, Chris.  Today, Ian missed you.

Yesterday...6 months

I can't believe I've made it this far.  I have survived 6 months without Chris.  It isn't a milestone I'm proud of or happy to have reached.  I just remember in the very early days after he died, I couldn't imagine ever getting to this point.  And yet, here I am.

Half of the "first year" is gone.  Everyone says all the "firsts" are the hardest.  I have found so far that the first Father's Day or birthday without him wasn't so bad.  It is the realization that they aren't just the first days that will be celebrated without Chris.  It is the fact that they aren't the last ones without him that hurts so badly.  It breaks my heart every day.

Anyway, as always, I'm so glad I have the kids.  They are doing really well and they bring joy into the lives of a lot of people. We have had a good summer so far.  We have visited Lincoln Park Zoo, played in our backyard pool, taken our first train ride to Des Plaines, taken a trip to Apple Canyon (near Galena) with Ian's friend, Jack, gone on vacation with Granny and the McDermotts and had Ian's fire engine themed 2nd birthday party (actually birthday is July 22nd).  

Claire started solid food recently and can sit up like a pro now.  She is the raspberry blowing queen, she loves jumping in the "jumperoo" and she is sprouting some more hair.  She has become a bit of a stinker in the sleeping department getting up at least once per night.  I'm afraid I am going to have to do some sleep training with her soon.  She weighed in at 15 lbs. 4 oz. at her 6 month checkup yesterday.  I am convinced at least half that weight is carried in her thighs, poor thing.

Ian says a couple new words every day.  His current favorites are cookie (as in give me one now), two (as in how old I am), baby (when directing me to set her on his lap), Tante and Uncle (which he says at least 30x per day) and poop (which he likes to do behind the shower curtain, in the closet or in between the front doors of the house).  He understands the concept of counting to two, enjoys watching videos of fire engines and trains and has a new fondness for Elmo.  We finished a great music class a few weeks ago and he gravitates towards pianos and organs.  He pretends to play anything that looks remotely like either of these.  He thoroughly enjoyed his vacation to Michigan.  He adored the beach and would have played in the sand for days if I had let him. We also had some excitement last month when a gas line in front of our house had to be repaired.  There is no better form of entertainment for a little boy than a bulldozer on your lawn for two days. 

As for me, I'm still struggling with my new identity and new life.  I have spent a lot of the last 6 months drowning my sorrows in food which is an old habit of mine.  Not surprisingly, this has not produced good results and my grief is now literally weighing me down.  I am slowly trying to refocus on being healthy and will be joining Weight Watchers in the next week.  I have had success on this program before so I am hoping for similar results this time around.  I figured if I put this plan in black and white for so many people to see, I would have extra incentive to stick to it!

I've been reading quite a bit at night lately in an effort to avoid sitting on the couch for hours watching bad t.v.  A good book I would recommend is 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper about a Baptist minister who was killed in a car accident.  He was literally dead for 90 minutes but was somehow revived. During that time, he was in heaven.  He describes his experience and his subsequent recovery in the book.  It is a fascinating read.  On a side note, I went to Barnes & Noble a few weeks ago to pick up a book or two on grief.  I asked someone who worked there to show me where books on this topic were located.  She took me over to the Self-Improvement aisle.  Really?  I need to improve myself because I'm grieving?  And in what seemed like a cruel joke, the books on death were right next to the ones on dating.  Just what a young widow wants to see!

Please continue to pray for us as we move along on this journey.  Pictures of our adventures plus our visit to the cemetery for Father's Day can be viewed here. 

Thanks for listening.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss you more every day.

P.S.  I recently learned about a web-based business started by a woman whose mother died of a brain tumor.  She donates all of her earnings from the business to the American Brain Tumor Association.  It is called Threads of Gray if you want to visit or do some shopping.

Claire's Baptism

Claire was baptized (again) on May 30th along with her cousin, Patrick.  Fr. Carl led the ceremony along with Fr. Jim McDermott, SJ, my brother-in-law's brother (and Patrick's uncle).  It truly was a lovely ceremony with just the right amount of reflection, reverence and humor.  

We honored Chris by placing a picture of him holding Claire and two candles on a table near the baptismal font.  The light from the candles created a warm glow around his image evoking an almost angelic tableau.

Claire wore Chris's wedding ring on a white ribbon around her neck.  I usually wear the ring on a chain myself but right before we left the house that morning, I felt the inclination to have her wear it. During the ceremony, she kept her thumb hooked through it. While in reality I know it was probably just a fun toy for her, I sensed that she felt her daddy's presence that day.

Fr. Carl talked about the night of Claire's first baptism--the night Chris died.  He spoke of how, in a matter of an hour, the people who had gathered in Chris's hospital room experienced the "bookends" of the Christian faith in a dramatic way.  Both Claire and Chris were anointed with oil as they each received their sacraments.  As incredibly sad and tragic as that night was, there were some beautiful moments and that was one of them.  I feel a slight sense of peace knowing that father and daughter forever share that spiritual bond.  Not that that is enough but I have to cherish any and all of the small blessings I have.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss you.

The Cemetery

I visited the cemetery today for the first time since the day we buried Chris.  It might seem odd that it took me four months to go.  The marker for the grave was just recently placed in the ground so it felt strange to visit before now. Anyway, today was a beautiful day and Chris's plot is right in front of a big tree. If it weren't for the fact that his grave was inches away from me, it would have been a lovely way to pass some time.

As I was sitting there, an older woman came over with two watering cans and filled them up in the fountain near the plot.  I assumed she worked there but after a few minutes, she said, "You lost your husband?  Me too.  It's been over 3 years and it is so hard."  She asked what Chris died of and when I said a brain tumor she told me her husband also had died of cancer.  Then she said, "We were married 42 years."  As horrible as this sounds, I wanted to say, "What are you complaining about?!  You had 38 more years than me!"  So, as if to trump her, I said, "I was nine months pregnant when he was diagnosed.  I have a 4 month old and a 22 month old.  He died 22 days after the diagnosis."  I don't know why I felt the need to blurt that out but I did.  She immediately knelt down by me and asked who was helping me with my kids.  We chatted a little more and she told me she would pray for me.  She was sweet.  I watched her tending to her husband's grave.  She not only watered the flowers around it but also washed off the headstone. I found it very touching.  

I hate the fact that I'm in this club now.  A club where I can relate to people who hang out at the cemetery.  And as a side note, I also don't like the fact that I was sitting on my own burial plot which was purchased at the same time as Chris's.  Who knew I'd be doing that at 38 years of age?  Then again, who knew 6 months ago that any of us would be here?

This is us without you, Chris.  Today, I miss you.

4 months

I don't know how it can possibly be four months already.  Today just snuck up on me.  It dawned on me yesterday that today was four months.  How could I have forgotten?  How could I have not been dreading this day all week?  Am I already starting to "get on" with my life?  I don't want to!

So much is unchanged:  Chris's toothbrush still in the toothbrush holder, his shaving cream still in the medicine cabinet, his wallet, watch and cell phone still on his dresser, his clothes all still hanging in the closet, his favorite coffee mug still sitting in the kitchen...and yet everything has changed.  

I keep wanting to call him at work to tell him about funny things that have happened.  I see things in the paper or in a magazine that he would have liked and I think I should save them for him.  I think about how our summer would look if he were still here.

1/3 of a year without him already past.  When will it ever feel normal?  My guess is never...

This is us without you, Chris.  We really miss you.

Happy Anniversary...Happy Birthday

Today is Chris's birthday.  Just like our anniversary, it was a busy day so I wasn't able to dwell too much on the fact that he wasn't here.  

I went to breakfast with Chris's mom, Phyllis, and his sister, Vickie.  I had envisioned a sad gathering where we would all be crying over our coffee and eggs.  While we did toast to Chris's life, we didn't spend the whole time together talking about him. Maybe that is the saddest thing to me.  Life just keeps going on without him...even on his birthday.

I'm guessing if Chris were still alive, we would have gone to dinner at La Sardine tonight.  It was one of his favorite French restaurants.  It is where he took me on our first date, the night we got engaged and on many other special occasions.  My stepsister, Ann, who also lost her husband to cancer 7 years ago, and I went to dinner there the night of my anniversary. Eerily enough, Ann and her husband, Ray, were also married on April 16th so it was an anniversary dinner for both of us.  Anyway, no birthday dinner tonight (although I did have a blizzard from Dairy Queen which would have been another thing Chris would have wanted today).

I received some very thoughtful cards. messages and flowers from people on our anniversary and today.  Of course, no one can give me what I really want the most but I appreciate the gestures just the same.

The picture above is from a trip Chris and I took to Charleston in 2006 to visit friends.  I had just found out I was pregnant with Ian and we were so excited. The picture looks so tranquil and hopeful to me.  Chris loved the outdoors and I feel like this is kind of what heaven must look like for him.  So, this is my birthday present to him.  I give the warm feelings, beautiful surroundings and precious memories of that day.  I give them to him and to myself.

This is us without you, Chris.

Happy Birthday

3 months

It was three months ago today that Chris died and I can't say that it feels any more real today than the day it happened. Slowly, some of the shock is wearing off but it still seems like this can't possibly be my new life.  The math doesn't add up.  Two babies plus one mommy minus one daddy.  Life really isn't fair...

I have decided to start a blog to keep people updated on how we are doing.  The Caring Bridge site was a helpful resource for us when Chris was sick but it has served its purpose.  I hope to honor Chris's memory and share his legacy here.

Whenever I talk with people these days, some of the same questions seem to come up over and over again.  To make life a little easier, I thought I would list the commonly asked questions I get and the answers below.  I know it might seem a bit impersonal to update you this way but it is less exhausting for me.

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How are the kids doing?

They are both doing well.  Click on this link to see recent pictures of them (http://gallery.me.com/doylediez#100074).

Ian is 20 months old and is definitely starting to act like the 2 year old he is soon to become. Time out and temper tantrums are part of our daily routine.  Luckily, he is darn cute and very charming.  He is also curious and independent (don't try to help him eat his dinner or brush his teeth!).  He loves being outside digging in the garden, raking imaginary leaves, or playing catch. His vocabulary is expanding every day ("yes, peease" is the newest addition) and he makes his desires known even if he doesn't always have the words for them.  He loves books, puzzles, music, his cat and his little sister.  One of his favorite activities is to go to church where he likes to "conduct" the choir from the pews.  He also regularly visits the choir with Uncle Harold during the mass to see the organ and singing up close.  He is very aware of the fact that Chris used to spend time in the choir loft and occasionally shrugs his shoulders as if to ask, "Where is daddy?"

Claire is 3 months old and is a laid back and happy baby.  Besides being adorable, she smiles easily and is very chatty.  She is a good sleeper and she loves to watch her brother run around all day.  Her latest trick is trying to roll over from her back to her stomach and she recently realized how tasty her hands are.  Her sweet disposition is truly a gift.

How are you doing?

I'm doing o.k.  The kids are the reason I get up in the morning and they really are fun.  We are getting out and participating in storytime, playgroup, music class, etc.  These activities all give me a sense of normalcy.  I have even managed to go out to dinner once or twice with a friend or two.  I think I'm functioning pretty well considering the circumstances.  

How are you REALLY doing?

I have good days and bad days.  I have a lot of bittersweet moments with the kids when I think about how Chris would have enjoyed playing with them and watching them grow.  It breaks my heart every time one of them does something new and he isn't here to see it...especially Claire.  I often look at her and think how Chris would have loved his little girl.  She sometimes smiles out of the blue for no reason at all and I like to imagine that Chris is quietly whispering something to her that I can't hear.  

Bottom line is that the heartache is going to be with me for a long time but I haven't stopped living.

Do you still have help?

Yes.  Vickie still stays with us four nights a week and takes care of Ian in the mornings until she goes to work.  They seem to enjoy each others company quite a bit.  Ian spends Mondays at my mother-in-laws house and my aunt spends all day with us on Fridays.  Chris's brother, Harold, also comes by several nights a week to play with Ian or drop off groceries.  Last but not least, my mom still stays with us on the weekends.  Other family members, friends, neighbors and people from church help out on other days.  I have never felt the true meaning of, "It takes a village," more than now.  We are blessed with a very large and selfless village.

Do you need anything?

We could still use your prayers, kind words and shared memories of Chris.  We are still getting meals from various people.  If you are interested in helping with this, please let me know.  A friend set up an online calendar for people to sign up to provide meals and also to help with childcare.

Are you working or going back to work soon?

I am not currently working and don't plan to for at least the rest of this year.  This will allow me time to adjust and give the kids as much of my time and energy as possible during this difficult period.  

Most of you know that I left my full-time job in Human Resources in January, 2008, to take care of Ian.  In the previous few months before Chris got sick, I was doing some contract recruiting from my house for my former company and a friend's company.  Ideally, when I do return to work, I would like to continue to recruit from my home so that I can be around for the kids as much as possible.

Are you selling your house?

No.  We aren't going anywhere for now.  As the kids gets closer to school age, I will re-evaluate our situation and decide then if we should move.  

I am making another major purchase however.  I am trading both of our cars in and getting a minivan.  It will make life a lot easier to have one car especially one that has a lot of room and storage space.  I should have the minivan in my possession by the end of this week.  I never thought I'd be excited about buying a minivan but I have to confess that I am!  

Are you going back to choir/cantoring?

I have already gone back to choir.  I sang for the Good Friday service and on Easter morning.  It hasn't been easy going back but I don't know how to do church without singing.  I have been in church choirs since high school.  Plus, I know Chris would want me to go back and the choir is like a family to me.  I plan to return to cantoring in May.  This will be another difficult but necessary step in the healing process.

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Several very challenging weeks lie ahead for me.  Chris and I used to host Easter dinner at our house.  This year, Vickie hosted for obvious reasons.  She did a lovely job but there was no hiding the fact that something (or more accurately, someone) was missing.

April 16th would have been our 4th wedding anniversary.  May 1st would have been Chris's 49th birthday.  Both are days we would have spent dining out and enjoying a glass of wine.

May 30th will be the joint baptism of Claire and my nephew, Patrick.  Even though Claire was baptized in the hospital the night Chris died, I want a more joyful celebration to tell her about when she is older.

Any positive thoughts and prayers you feel inclined to send my way on these days would be appreciated.

This is how we are coping as of now.  

This is us without you, Chris.  

We miss you.