Yesterday...6 months

I can't believe I've made it this far.  I have survived 6 months without Chris.  It isn't a milestone I'm proud of or happy to have reached.  I just remember in the very early days after he died, I couldn't imagine ever getting to this point.  And yet, here I am.

Half of the "first year" is gone.  Everyone says all the "firsts" are the hardest.  I have found so far that the first Father's Day or birthday without him wasn't so bad.  It is the realization that they aren't just the first days that will be celebrated without Chris.  It is the fact that they aren't the last ones without him that hurts so badly.  It breaks my heart every day.

Anyway, as always, I'm so glad I have the kids.  They are doing really well and they bring joy into the lives of a lot of people. We have had a good summer so far.  We have visited Lincoln Park Zoo, played in our backyard pool, taken our first train ride to Des Plaines, taken a trip to Apple Canyon (near Galena) with Ian's friend, Jack, gone on vacation with Granny and the McDermotts and had Ian's fire engine themed 2nd birthday party (actually birthday is July 22nd).  

Claire started solid food recently and can sit up like a pro now.  She is the raspberry blowing queen, she loves jumping in the "jumperoo" and she is sprouting some more hair.  She has become a bit of a stinker in the sleeping department getting up at least once per night.  I'm afraid I am going to have to do some sleep training with her soon.  She weighed in at 15 lbs. 4 oz. at her 6 month checkup yesterday.  I am convinced at least half that weight is carried in her thighs, poor thing.

Ian says a couple new words every day.  His current favorites are cookie (as in give me one now), two (as in how old I am), baby (when directing me to set her on his lap), Tante and Uncle (which he says at least 30x per day) and poop (which he likes to do behind the shower curtain, in the closet or in between the front doors of the house).  He understands the concept of counting to two, enjoys watching videos of fire engines and trains and has a new fondness for Elmo.  We finished a great music class a few weeks ago and he gravitates towards pianos and organs.  He pretends to play anything that looks remotely like either of these.  He thoroughly enjoyed his vacation to Michigan.  He adored the beach and would have played in the sand for days if I had let him. We also had some excitement last month when a gas line in front of our house had to be repaired.  There is no better form of entertainment for a little boy than a bulldozer on your lawn for two days. 

As for me, I'm still struggling with my new identity and new life.  I have spent a lot of the last 6 months drowning my sorrows in food which is an old habit of mine.  Not surprisingly, this has not produced good results and my grief is now literally weighing me down.  I am slowly trying to refocus on being healthy and will be joining Weight Watchers in the next week.  I have had success on this program before so I am hoping for similar results this time around.  I figured if I put this plan in black and white for so many people to see, I would have extra incentive to stick to it!

I've been reading quite a bit at night lately in an effort to avoid sitting on the couch for hours watching bad t.v.  A good book I would recommend is 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper about a Baptist minister who was killed in a car accident.  He was literally dead for 90 minutes but was somehow revived. During that time, he was in heaven.  He describes his experience and his subsequent recovery in the book.  It is a fascinating read.  On a side note, I went to Barnes & Noble a few weeks ago to pick up a book or two on grief.  I asked someone who worked there to show me where books on this topic were located.  She took me over to the Self-Improvement aisle.  Really?  I need to improve myself because I'm grieving?  And in what seemed like a cruel joke, the books on death were right next to the ones on dating.  Just what a young widow wants to see!

Please continue to pray for us as we move along on this journey.  Pictures of our adventures plus our visit to the cemetery for Father's Day can be viewed here. 

Thanks for listening.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss you more every day.

P.S.  I recently learned about a web-based business started by a woman whose mother died of a brain tumor.  She donates all of her earnings from the business to the American Brain Tumor Association.  It is called Threads of Gray if you want to visit or do some shopping.