Widow's Voice

While looking for grief related websites a few months ago, I discovered a blog called Widow's Voice.  It is written by seven different widows (actually, it includes one widower).  The writers are each responsible for updating the blog on one day of the week so there is a Monday writer, a Tuesday writer, etc.  I like this format because I hear a different perspective daily.  Yet I relate to all the posts.

A few weeks ago, I contacted the woman who runs the blog and expressed interest in writing for it if there was ever a need.  She let me know that all of their regular writing spots were filled but she would keep me in mind as a substitute writer.  This week, she contacted me to ask if I could substitute for the Saturday writer as she was going out of town.  I accepted the invitation and you can read my post at http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/.

I appreciate this opportunity as I enjoy writing quite a bit.  I am also pleased to know that other widows out there might connect with my experiences.  As I have learned over the past nine months, no one wants to become a member of this community but once you are in it, so much is to be gained from hearing from one another.

Dada

Thanks to the Diez's, we have a large map of the world in our play room. Ian enjoys looking at it and pointing to the different countries, animals, etc. For Antarctica, there is a picture of three penguins--two big ones and one little one. Today, Ian pointed to the penguin family and said, "Penguins!  Baby, mommy, mommy." Then he said, "Baby, two mommies!" Ugh...stab to the heart. He doesn't realize that most families consist of a mommy AND a daddy. He doesn't understand that when I talk about "daddy" that he is actually a precious piece of our family unit that is missing. To Ian, he is almost like a character in a book like Elmo or Pinocchio. He is excited to see Chris's picture but "daddy" is just an abstract idea to him. I know this is a result of his developmental stage but it still hurts.

Claire rarely hears the word "daddy" but she has been saying "mama" for a couple of months. Last week, she started saying "dada" and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn't from the joy that most parents feel when their babies say that word for the first time. It was more like a mixed bag of emotions. First, a sense of awe that she was able to learn the word even with her limited exposure to it and second, a nagging sense of sadness that she'll never get to know the man that embodies that word.

I can hear some of you saying, "They will get to know Chris through your stories and memories." I know, I know. But it isn't the same. It isn't the same as them experiencing a hug from him or garnering a smile from him when one of them has made him proud. It just isn't the same, plain and simple.

Maybe I'm wallowing in some self-pity this week because the 9 month anniversary of Chris's death was on Wednesday. I could have had a baby in that time. Instead, I gave birth to a whole new life that I didn't ask for. And now I'm dealing with the sleepless nights and emotional highs and lows of this new "baby" of mine...grief. It isn't as cute or cuddly as a newborn and yet I still have to care for it 24 hours a day. 

I'm tired! I look forward to the time that my grief baby feels like less of a constant drain and more like a silent companion. I know I can't rush the process but I will relish the day when hearing the word "dada" brings a smile to my face.

This is us without you, Chris.  We miss you, daddy.

The "Husband" Jobs

Fixing the clogged toilet...

  Mowing the lawn...

     Moving heavy objects....

        Figuring out how all the remotes work...

           Bringing the trash cans to the curb the night before trash day...

The last one gets me every time.  Actually, I have a confession to make.  Since Chris died, I have only had to bring the trash cans to the curb three times...and I forgot to do it twice.  Uncle Harold is usually here helping to put the kids to bed on Tuesday nights so he or whoever else is around do trash can duty.  But since our nanny started, no one else comes by on Tuesdays and therefore no one thinks of the trash. Or more specifically, I don't think of it.  Luckily, I caught the garbage men in enough time today so I wasn't stuck with a weeks worth of trash until next Wednesday.

I hope I get more used to the idea of doing the "husband" jobs before it snows or we'll need skis to leave our house.