3 months

It was three months ago today that Chris died and I can't say that it feels any more real today than the day it happened. Slowly, some of the shock is wearing off but it still seems like this can't possibly be my new life.  The math doesn't add up.  Two babies plus one mommy minus one daddy.  Life really isn't fair...

I have decided to start a blog to keep people updated on how we are doing.  The Caring Bridge site was a helpful resource for us when Chris was sick but it has served its purpose.  I hope to honor Chris's memory and share his legacy here.

Whenever I talk with people these days, some of the same questions seem to come up over and over again.  To make life a little easier, I thought I would list the commonly asked questions I get and the answers below.  I know it might seem a bit impersonal to update you this way but it is less exhausting for me.

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How are the kids doing?

They are both doing well.  Click on this link to see recent pictures of them (http://gallery.me.com/doylediez#100074).

Ian is 20 months old and is definitely starting to act like the 2 year old he is soon to become. Time out and temper tantrums are part of our daily routine.  Luckily, he is darn cute and very charming.  He is also curious and independent (don't try to help him eat his dinner or brush his teeth!).  He loves being outside digging in the garden, raking imaginary leaves, or playing catch. His vocabulary is expanding every day ("yes, peease" is the newest addition) and he makes his desires known even if he doesn't always have the words for them.  He loves books, puzzles, music, his cat and his little sister.  One of his favorite activities is to go to church where he likes to "conduct" the choir from the pews.  He also regularly visits the choir with Uncle Harold during the mass to see the organ and singing up close.  He is very aware of the fact that Chris used to spend time in the choir loft and occasionally shrugs his shoulders as if to ask, "Where is daddy?"

Claire is 3 months old and is a laid back and happy baby.  Besides being adorable, she smiles easily and is very chatty.  She is a good sleeper and she loves to watch her brother run around all day.  Her latest trick is trying to roll over from her back to her stomach and she recently realized how tasty her hands are.  Her sweet disposition is truly a gift.

How are you doing?

I'm doing o.k.  The kids are the reason I get up in the morning and they really are fun.  We are getting out and participating in storytime, playgroup, music class, etc.  These activities all give me a sense of normalcy.  I have even managed to go out to dinner once or twice with a friend or two.  I think I'm functioning pretty well considering the circumstances.  

How are you REALLY doing?

I have good days and bad days.  I have a lot of bittersweet moments with the kids when I think about how Chris would have enjoyed playing with them and watching them grow.  It breaks my heart every time one of them does something new and he isn't here to see it...especially Claire.  I often look at her and think how Chris would have loved his little girl.  She sometimes smiles out of the blue for no reason at all and I like to imagine that Chris is quietly whispering something to her that I can't hear.  

Bottom line is that the heartache is going to be with me for a long time but I haven't stopped living.

Do you still have help?

Yes.  Vickie still stays with us four nights a week and takes care of Ian in the mornings until she goes to work.  They seem to enjoy each others company quite a bit.  Ian spends Mondays at my mother-in-laws house and my aunt spends all day with us on Fridays.  Chris's brother, Harold, also comes by several nights a week to play with Ian or drop off groceries.  Last but not least, my mom still stays with us on the weekends.  Other family members, friends, neighbors and people from church help out on other days.  I have never felt the true meaning of, "It takes a village," more than now.  We are blessed with a very large and selfless village.

Do you need anything?

We could still use your prayers, kind words and shared memories of Chris.  We are still getting meals from various people.  If you are interested in helping with this, please let me know.  A friend set up an online calendar for people to sign up to provide meals and also to help with childcare.

Are you working or going back to work soon?

I am not currently working and don't plan to for at least the rest of this year.  This will allow me time to adjust and give the kids as much of my time and energy as possible during this difficult period.  

Most of you know that I left my full-time job in Human Resources in January, 2008, to take care of Ian.  In the previous few months before Chris got sick, I was doing some contract recruiting from my house for my former company and a friend's company.  Ideally, when I do return to work, I would like to continue to recruit from my home so that I can be around for the kids as much as possible.

Are you selling your house?

No.  We aren't going anywhere for now.  As the kids gets closer to school age, I will re-evaluate our situation and decide then if we should move.  

I am making another major purchase however.  I am trading both of our cars in and getting a minivan.  It will make life a lot easier to have one car especially one that has a lot of room and storage space.  I should have the minivan in my possession by the end of this week.  I never thought I'd be excited about buying a minivan but I have to confess that I am!  

Are you going back to choir/cantoring?

I have already gone back to choir.  I sang for the Good Friday service and on Easter morning.  It hasn't been easy going back but I don't know how to do church without singing.  I have been in church choirs since high school.  Plus, I know Chris would want me to go back and the choir is like a family to me.  I plan to return to cantoring in May.  This will be another difficult but necessary step in the healing process.

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Several very challenging weeks lie ahead for me.  Chris and I used to host Easter dinner at our house.  This year, Vickie hosted for obvious reasons.  She did a lovely job but there was no hiding the fact that something (or more accurately, someone) was missing.

April 16th would have been our 4th wedding anniversary.  May 1st would have been Chris's 49th birthday.  Both are days we would have spent dining out and enjoying a glass of wine.

May 30th will be the joint baptism of Claire and my nephew, Patrick.  Even though Claire was baptized in the hospital the night Chris died, I want a more joyful celebration to tell her about when she is older.

Any positive thoughts and prayers you feel inclined to send my way on these days would be appreciated.

This is how we are coping as of now.  

This is us without you, Chris.  

We miss you.