I love weddings and I used to really love singing them. Years before I got married, I would silently take notes at the ceremonies I sang at in preparation for my own big day. I would admire the dress, inspect the programs, listen intently to the readings, check out the flowers, etc., etc., etc. After Chris and I got engaged, singing weddings became an integral part of my own planning. I studied everything so that I knew what I did and did not want to do.
Likewise, I used to garner a lot of satisfaction from cantoring even when I had to do several masses in one day. It was rewarding to feel like I was encouraging people to participate more fully in the service or that I might be ministering to someone in a unique way through music. And I think in my 20 years of serving as a cantor (wow, I'm old), I've become pretty good at it.
But this weekend, it felt like I really wasn't the one who was singing. It felt like a shell of my former self was doing the work for me. Someone who looked like me and sounded like me showed up and did the job. My new self quietly sat by, numb and distracted throughout the whole process.
There was no mental critiquing of the bridesmaids dresses, no reminiscing about my day when the bride and groom said their vows, no getting up to watch the happy couple walk down the aisle at the end of the service. Singing "Alleluia" at four masses felt forced and phony. Making eye contact with and smiling to the congregation was a chore.
This new self of mine recognized this weekend for about the 100th time that things will never be the same again. I will never be the same. And even if I continue to do the same things I did before Chris died, they will be done differently. I just pray that some day it will be more than just my shell that sings again.
This is us without you, Chris. Today, my old and new self missed you.
But you did it, nonetheless, and that counts for alot. You gave the gift of your voice and everytime you share a gift it makes the world a better place. Keep singing :)
ReplyDeleteAJ