It Should Have Been Chris

For a long time after Chris died, any time my sister asked me if I was alright, I responded with, "Chris is still dead." And she quietly would reply with, "I know." Honestly, what else could either of us say?  8 months later, I still feel like I could have that conversation every day and maybe I should. Maybe if I hear myself say it that often, I'll really start to believe it.

All around me, the signs point to the obvious fact that he is gone. The choir season at St. Paul's has begun with a new director. The first rehearsal has been held and the first mass has been sung. Sunday, I did the same thing I've done for the past nine years. I showed up at church to sing that first mass of the season but this time, Chris wasn't conducting. 

Our new director is very experienced and capable. He did a good job and the choir sounded beautiful. But the experience was undoubtedly surreal for me. On one hand, I profoundly felt Chris's absence. And on the other hand, I felt like he wasn't absent at all. If I tried hard enough, I could see him leaning against the choir loft rail next to the organ with his arms crossed, nodding encouragingly to all of us and giving me one of his knowing looks. And when I peered into the congregation and saw Ian, dressed like a mini Chris, watching the choir in rapt awe and swaying to the music, I knew at least a piece of him was there. But still, it should have been Chris in that loft.

All diehard Bears fans know that this weekend was the first regular season game against the Packers. Tante prepped Ian all week long for the game by making sure he understood that we DON'T like the Packers and that we DO like the Bears. He practiced saying, "Go Bears" and, "Touchdown" (complete with arm gestures) over and over again so he'd be ready for last night's game. He and Claire both had their Bears gear on and watched some of the action. Chris would have gotten such a kick out of this. He couldn't wait to share his love of the Bears with them. And while I thank my lucky stars for Tante every day, it should have been Chris on that couch.

This is us without you, Chris. We shouldn't have to miss you.

P.S.  Did you know that it is not unusual for wasps to build nests at grave sites? Neither did I until I tried to visit the cemetery yesterday and was greeted by a swarm of the pesky buggers pouring out of a hole at the corner of Chris's headstone. Apparently, this happens often enough that the cemetery has a regular service to handle these situations. I shouldn't have to fight off an army of stinging insects to visit my husband!