That is how old Claire is today. That is exactly how old Ian was the day that Chris died. It is so strange the milestones we mark as part of this process.
There are days when I think Claire is growing up so fast--seemingly so much faster than Ian did. I'm sure part of that is because she is trying to do everything Ian does. And I know part of that is because I want to bottle her up the way she is now and keep her like that forever. No terrible twos, temper tantrums or dinner time battles to contend with (I'm talking to you, big brother!).
Then there are days when she seems like such a tiny baby. She is in full blown separation anxiety mode and chants, "Mommy" incessantly. She cuddles up on my shoulder before she goes to sleep. She clings to her blanket when she is upset. She still has adorably chubby thighs. Can this really be the age that Ian was when Chris died? He has now lived longer without his daddy than with him. That is so unfair.
Today is a painful reminder of what my beautiful kids have lost but also of how far we have come. I hear them playing with Tante in the living room right now. They are giggling like crazy. The blessing of them being so young is that they don't realize they are different from anyone else. They just live. It is me who knows the real story. But today I'll try to just live too.
That's all you CAN do... try to live each day for what it is. It gets tricky when they realize that they are "different" because their dad is gone. It breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteIt is so unfair and one of the toughest things for me to deal with. I guess I know what the future holds and what Hunter will have to deal with when he reaches a milestone. It is unfair that our kids are different and have to grow up without their Dad!
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