Puppy!

Chris loved dogs and we always talked about getting one once one of us was home full-time.  At the time we talked about it, we had my cat, Luna, and no kids.  We didn't exactly know what our future family would look like but we hoped it would include a dog. 

Chris was definitely not a cat person.  Coincidentally, I adopted Luna the week I started dating him.  She was 3 years old.  She grew on him and when we got married, she slept with him every night.  He claimed to hate it but I knew better.  After Ian was born, Luna started pooping right outside the litter box.  We assumed it was because she felt neglected.  It was annoying but since it was it in such close proximity to the litter box, we dealt with it.  After Chris died and Claire was born, Luna was really lost in the shuffle.  As if having two babies in the house and losing her bed buddy weren't enough, my sister-in-law moved in for 3 months.  There was also a steady stream of friends and family in and out of the house helping.  The poor cat didn't know which end was up. 

After a while, Luna started pooping in the dining room and scratching the furniture more (she wasn't declawed).  I tried everything to get her stop doing this.  Special litter, retraining her by isolating her in the bathroom, cleaning the box every day, etc.  Nothing helped and over time, the problem became more regular.  I had the vet check for medical problems.  She was already on 3 different types of medicine for a host of problems.  Nothing could be identified as the reason for the pooping problem.  She was also frankly an after thought at that point.  I had so much on my plate, that I took for granted that cats don't always need a lot of attention.  But I felt bad and I just couldn't give her what she needed.  So, about 18 months ago, with a very heavy heart, I gave her back to the shelter I got her from.  It is a no-kill shelter so I knew she would not be destroyed. It was a very hard decision that took months to make.  I felt guilty doing it but I knew I had to for every one's sake. 

I checked in on her every few weeks and after a few months, I learned that the shelter vet did an x-ray of her spine and found a small hairline fracture. This probably caused her enough pain to keep her from getting into the litter box hence her issues.  I also found out that she had been adopted by an older couple who had recently lost their cat.  This is nothing short of a miracle considering Luna was 8 years old and had some medical issues.  The couple were used to caring for a cat like this so they were thrilled to get her and absolutely love her (they call her the Marilyn Monroe of cats)!  I was so relieved and glad that the story ended well for all.

About 6-9 months ago, I started thinking about if and when we would get a puppy.  I knew the kids needed to be a little older and that it had to be the right type of dog. I wanted to feel like our lives were a little more under control and I also wanted my work situation to be somewhat stable.  I did a lot of research on breeds and decided that I wanted a mid-sized, non-shedding dog that was good with kids.  Since I have been working part-time from my home for almost a year now, I felt like this spring/summer would be a good time to get the dog. 

I decided on a Goldendoodle (cross between a golden retriever and a standard poodle).  I found a great breeder in central Illinois and the litter that our puppy will come from was born on Sunday!  The mom gave birth to NINE puppies!  Take that Kate Gosselin!  Anyway, we will be picking our puppy up in 10 weeks.  We requested a female but as there are only three in the bunch, we may get a male.  The kids are beyond excited (Claire is obsessed with dogs) and we have been thinking of possible names.  We can't wait!

Here is a picture of the litter.  Who knows which one will be ours!

P.S.  Chris would be having so much fun with this.

Family Circumstance

While on a cleaning binge this weekend, I tackled the overflowing basket in my office where every stray paper lands until filed.  I came upon a copy of Claire’s medical records that I had received when we switched pediatricians over the summer.  The packet was about two inches thick and didn’t seem very interesting at first. But something soon caught my eye.  It was the words, “father died of brain cancer.” They were splashed on more than a few of the pages and compelled made me to keep reading.  It has been a long time since I allowed myself to mentally travel back to the days when birth and death unflappably worked together to transform my life.  But I read on to see if anything else was mentioned about Chris’s death.

I skimmed over the concise notes from the day Claire was born: delivered via C-section, 7 lb. 7 oz., breast fed, bonding well with mom, no jaundice, etc.  I flipped to day 3 of our hospital stay and saw an assessment offered by the hospital social worker after visiting me.  I’m confident I was number one on her “at high risk for post-partum depression” list. Yet, all I wanted during my hospital stay was to be left alone with my baby and pretend like I was just like any other mother of a newborn.  I needed those few days of escape from my nightmare.  The social worker, finally understanding my position, indicated in the notes that I didn’t want to talk about the “very stressful and worrisome situation” with my husband.

The doctor’s visit after our release from the hospital was the first time I saw the phrase, “father died of brain cancer.”  Later weeks and months in the record discuss Claire’s growth, eating habits, developmental milestones and, always this same comment, “father died of brain cancer.”  Then at the time of Claire’s 18 month check-up, the words, “father died of brain cancer” suddenly became, “family circumstance.”  This unceremonious change in description took me by surprise and seemed to diminish the significance of what happened. 

Why change the explanation after 18 months?  Were those few extra words taking up too much space?  The more I pondered this, the angrier I got. Is the fact that Claire was just entering this life as her precious father was exiting it—literally being baptized in his hospital room as he was being anointed for death-- merely a family circumstance?

When she has no one to attend all those daddy/daughter dances with, will it be because of a family circumstance? 

When she is walking down the aisle on her wedding day without her father, will it be a family circumstance that will make the day bittersweet? 

When she becomes a mother and understands the loss of her father from a whole new perspective, will she be thinking about a family circumstance?

Heck, no!  It is much bigger, much more profound, and more permanent than a family circumstance-- something that sounds like the dog ran away or mom lost her job.  “Her father died, people!,” I shouted at the lifeless documents in my hands. 

It happened!  It is a big deal!  It will forever shape her life!  I, in no way, want it to be what defines her but it should be more than a footnote.   Just as I don’t want Chris’s life to be forgotten; I don’t want his death to be neatly summed up in two innocuous words.  There should be no expiration date on this significance.

My daughter, Claire, is 3 years old and her father died of brain cancer.

Thank You!

Just a quick note to those who voted for my blog to be included in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Moms with Inspiring Families list.  I'm officially in the top 25!

Thank You!

My Sister

Many of you know that my sister, Julie McDermott, has been a major source of strength for me during the last three years.  She stepped in the minute Chris got sick and handled all the mundane and logistical tasks that came with our situation all while being 7 months pregnant herself.

We were always close but as my life has drastically changed course, she has been my lifeline through it all.

Today, I'm proud to say that she is the guest blogger on the Chicagoland Young Widowed Connection website!  She claims to be a bad writer but this post proves how wrong she is!

Enjoy!

Death and Legos

The topic of dying has been coming up a lot around here lately which shouldn't be a surprise.

Between fairy tale characters that bite the dust, the kids friends who have lost a parent (we obviously know more than most) or the times that conversations turn to Daddy, the topic of death is as easily discussed here as what is for dinner. 

This morning, while the kids and I were cuddling in my bed before breakfast, Claire suddenly said, "I don't want to die, mommy."  Naturally, my response was, "I don't want you to die, either.  Or, Ian."

Claire sweetly said, "Because I would miss you."  "Ohhh, I would miss you too, honey," I replied and we gave each other big hugs and kisses.

Ian thought for a minute and then chimed in, "I don't want to die either."  Of course, I said, "I don't want you to either, Ian."

"Because I would miss playing with my Legos," he stated rather dryly.

"Um, what about me?," I asked, in a Am-I-Chopped-Liver tone of voice.

"Oh, yeah, you too."

And that sums up the priorities of a 4 year old boy.

A Pleasant Surprise!

This morning I received an email from Circle of Moms letting me know that this blog has been nominated for the Top 25 Moms with Inspiring Families - 2012 list on their website!  Circle of Moms is a website dedicated to connecting moms to each other.

As you can imagine, this was both a pleasant surprise and humbling at the same time.  To be considered inspirational to anyone and to be recognized for it is quite an honor! 

The blogs that are selected for the Top 25 list will be included on the Circle of Moms website and featured on their social media channels.  Winners will also be interviewed and featured on the site.  This will all increase readership which will in turn help raise awareness about life as a young widow.

The top 25 spots are determined by number of votes.  You can vote for Us Without You by clicking on the above icon or going directly to this link.  Voting ends at 5 p.m. PST on March 7, 2012.  You can vote every 24 hours.

I would greatly appreciate if you would consider voting for this blog and passing along the information onto others!

Thanks!